God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I will die if light touches me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
