Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
