I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
