Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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