SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
