im calling her cock vulture from now on
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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