Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
