I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
