i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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