dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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