Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
