gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
