Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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