she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize