Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my poor anus
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
BRING THE BAGELS
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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