My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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