Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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