Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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