She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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