Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
