They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
