If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
