when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
