so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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