Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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