I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
