Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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