I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
