got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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