I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
