I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
