sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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