I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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