Can Purell be used as lube?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
