Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
