I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
