please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
