I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
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