Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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