I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
