The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
