3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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