2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
