So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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