I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
