You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
