I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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