dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
