Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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