literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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