I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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