He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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