I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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