you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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