drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
