Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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