I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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