You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
