So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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