I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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